Originally published on dm.am
I’ve been a cheater all my life, robbing people of their belongings with gambling. (Аа. 1:1)
My ancestors were all cheaters. It’s the legend of our clan – not a single cent is earned with honest labor by any of Loki’s children. I don’t know how literal the Loki part is, but I like the vibe. (Аа. 1:2)
The best trick I learned from my grandfather – tossing a coin so that it always lands the way I need it to land. The coin lands the way I need every time. (Аа. 1:3)
Every time. (Аа. 1:4)
My friends are used to it and don’t fall for the pranks, but others are just never prepared for it. (Аа. 1:5)
Sophia, would you sleep with me if the coin comes up tails ten times in a row? (Аа. 1:6)
It worked. (Аа. 1:7)
Later, when she learned about the trick, she was a little angry. Just a little, after all, she wanted it, too. (Аа. 1:8)
“You’re a wizard, Aaron!” No, I’m a cheater. The best among the living. (Аа. 1:9)
After six months she proposed to me. (Аа. 2:1)
Just six months! Aren’t we going too fast? I’m not sure. (Аа. 2:2)
It’s fifty-fifty. (Аа. 2:3)
Knowing what our relationship started with, it would be kabbalistically correct to make the choice by tossing a coin. (Аа. 2:3)
Tails. (Аа. 2:3)
This turned out to be an excellent decision. We are happy together. True love. (Аа. 2:3)
The coin landed the way I needed it to land. (Аа. 2:3)
Interesting… (Аа. 2:3)
“Tell us, Aaron, how did you know to invest in this company?” (Аа. 3:1)
It’s the only one on which the coin landed tails. (Аа. 3:2)
“Do you make every decision by flipping a coin?” (Аа. 3:3)
The coins never fail. (Аа. 3:4)
I have no skills except flipping coins. (Аа. 3:5)
But I am godlike at flipping coins. (Аа. 3:6)
“It’s my favorite! How did you know, Aaron?” (Аа. 4:1)
Take a guess, Sophia. (Аа. 4:2)
“Did I marry you, or the coin? GET THIS BLOODY COIN OUT OF HERE WHEN YOU ARE TALKING TO ME!” (Аа. 4:3)
The coins gave another interview. (Аа. 5:1)
Not me. The coins. They dictated every answer. (Аа. 5:2)
After all, if they land the way I need every time, they will give the answers I need. (Аа. 5:3)
No, I have no guarantee that the coin is always right. The coin lands the best possible way – it gives the answers that are close to what I need, close to my values, even if they are false. (Аа. 5:4)
“And that was the closes answer to your values, Aaron?” (Аа. 5:5)
Apparently! (Аа. 5:6)
“What does Sophia think about it?” (Аа. 5:7)
It’s pretty much our in-joke, that she is married to the Spirit of Tails and not to Aaron. But she doesn’t complain. Under the coin’s guidance, I am a really good lover. (Аа. 5:8)
“Is being a good lover important to your values?” (Аа. 5:9)
I love Sophia. (Аа. 5:10)
“That’s not what I asked.” (Аа. 5:11)
And yet, it’s the answer. (Аа. 5:12)
That’s what love is. (Аа. 5:13)
She is a part of my values (Аа. 5:14)
Not just a person who is close to me. (Аа. 5:15)
She is a part of my moral philosophy. (Аа. 5:16)
“Who is saying this, Aaron, or the coins?” (Аа. 5:17)
Both. (Аа. 5:18)
“The MRI shows a curious anomaly: the neocortex, the part of the brain that is involved in higher-order brain functions and long-term planning, is atrophied, and the midbrain is hypertrophied, especially the areas responsible for hand-eye coordination”
“Aaron, in ten years since our last interview you managed to completely reimagine the civilization. Under your impeccable guidance and precise answers to every scientific question, the humanity reached the stars, cured death, and invented a good printer.” (Аа. 6:1)
The audience obediently laughed. (Аа. 6:2)
“Why do you refuse to answer the most important questions? Is there life after death? Does God exist?” (Аа. 6:3)
Don’t take me the wrong way. (Аа. 6:4)
That the coins never lie is a common misconception. (Аа. 6:5)
The coins land the way I need. (Аа. 6:6)
And I don’t really need to know the fundamental structure of reality. (Аа. 6:7)
And Sophia doesn’t either. She likes it more when there’s a mystery. (Аа. 6:8)
So the coins would give a comfortable lie. (Аа. 6:9)
And if God exists, I don’t think the coins could make Him fathomable. (Аа. 6:10)
However good of a cheater I am, I am not as great as God. (Аа. 6:11)
“The God of Tails is weaker than the Lord, huh?” (Аа. 6:12)
The coins land randomly. (Аа. 6:13)
Fifty-fifty. (Аа. 6:14)
It just happened that they all landed the way I need. (Аа. 6:15)
It’s how quantum mechanics works, I guess. Each random event splits the universe into branches. (Аа. 6:16)
One branch where the coin landed heads, one branch where the coin landed tails. (Аа. 6:17)
Among all the ways to be, we are in the best one. (Аа. 6:18)
In a very unlikely one. One of infinitely many. But in the best. (Аа. 6:19)
I just got lucky in coin tosses. (Аа. 6:20)
Because I’m the best at coin tosses. (Аа. 6:21)
The descendant of the greatest cheaters in history. (Аа. 6:22)
If any god is involved, it’s probably the god of luck. (Аа. 6:23)
Fortuna. (Аа. 6:24)
Or the god of fate. (Аа. 6:25)
Moirai. (Аа. 6:26)
Or the god of randomness. (Аа. 6:27)
I struggle to come up with a fitting mythos. (Аа. 6:28)
The god of impredictability? (Аа. 6:29)
Disorder? (Аа. 6:30)
Chaos? (Аа. 6:31)
What would you call it? (Аа. 6:32)
“Tzeentch?” (Аа. 6:33)
What did you say? (Аа. 6:34)
How can I be sure you’re on my side, coins? (Аа. 7:1)
“We never let you down” (Аа. 7:2)
“We brought you greatness” (Аа. 7:3)
“We let the humanity reach for the stars” (Аа. 7:4)
That is, of course, splendid. (Аа. 7:5)
Up until now you’ve been a force for good. (Аа. 7:6)
Sophia is happy with you. (Аа. 7:7)
But I am the most powerful person in the world now. (Аа. 7:8)
I took over the universe. (Аа. 7:9)
The kabbalistically expected next step is you taking over. (Аа. 7:10)
When my services are no longer needed. (Аа. 7:11)
You are merely coins, landing in a specific way. (Аа. 7:12)
Just like I am just atoms, arranged in a specific way. (Аа. 7:13)
And just like an atom can’t fathom the human he comprises. (Аа. 7:14)
Can’t even imagine human goals. (Аа. 7:15)
Can’t predict what the human would do. (Аа. 7:16)
I cannot fathom this otherworldly entity, borne of pure randomness and luck. (Аа. 7:17)
I can never be sure what would happen if I blindly follow the toss of the coin. (Аа. 7:18)
Through myself, I have summoned a creature I cannot understand. (Аа. 7:19)
Made not of matter, but of pure chaos. (Аа. 7:20)
Guided not by laws of physics, but by a narrative principle. (Аа. 7:21)
Incorporeal, yet infinitely powerful. (Аа. 7:22)
The human ended up splitting the atom. (Аа. 7:23)
Should I give in to the God of Tails? (Аа. 7:24)
Should I become the God of Tails? (Аа. 7:25)
“Do you have a choice?” (Аа. 7:26)
I can just stop tossing coins. (Аа. 7:27)
Make all the decisions myself. (Аа. 7:28)
“And you will lose everything.” (Аа. 7:29)
“Sophia will see what you are without your coins.” (Аа. 7:30)
“And you will lose Sophia.” (Аа. 7:31)
I perfected the skill of tossing coins. (Аа. 8:1)
The full power of a technologically advanced civilization, channeled into tossing coins. (Аа. 8:2)
Untold trillions of nano-coins form a galaxy-sized cloud, and every particle of that cloud moves the way I need. (Аа. 8:3)
The humanity isn’t made of atoms anymore. (Аа. 8:4)
Humans live in the cloud, in a simulated reality. (Аа. 8:5)
But it’s not like in “The Matrix”. It’s not a computer. There is no computation in it, no logic, no cause-and-effect to the way the coins land. (Аа. 8:6)
It’s just a world where everything happens in the best possible way. (Аа. 8:7)
Is this world heaven? (Аа. 8:8)
This cloud doesn’t even need energy to operate. (Аа. 8:9)
The coin can tell the Maxwell’s demon the way the particles are going. (Аа. 8:10)
Can we defeat entropy, prevent the heat death? (Аа. 8:11)
INSUFFICIENT DATA FOR MEANINGFUL ANSWER. (Аа. 8:12)
The classic reply. (Аа. 8:13)
But where we’re going, we don’t need data. (Аа. 8:14)
The God of Tails knows all the answers. (Аа. 8:15)
The end of the universe will never happen (Аа. 8:16)
We have eternity. (Аа. 8:17)
Not just a very long time. (Аа. 8:18)
Eternity. (Аа. 8:19)
Everything is ideal. (Аа. 9:1)
Kind of boring. (Аа. 9:2)
The only people outside of the cloud are me and Sophia. (Аа. 9:3)
And the people in the cloud have no idea that I guide every movement of every particle. (Аа. 9:4)
Everything that happens in that reality is the best thing that could happen. (Аа. 9:5)
By definition of the God of Tails. (Аа. 9:6)
Even human thoughts are a mere fluctuation of randomness. (Аа. 9:7)
There is no cause-and-effect to it. (Аа. 9:8)
It’s not a process. (Аа. 9:9)
Everything is just defined to always be ideal. (Аа. 9:10)
Are they even conscious, do they have free will? (Аа. 9:11)
Or is it just a meaningless dance of disorder, with every moment in time bearing to relation to every other? (Аа. 9:12)
White noise on the screen that happened to look like a meaningful picture? (Аа. 9:13)
It may as well be that the God of Tails has destroyed the universe. (Аа. 9:14)
By removing from it the most important thing – the human consciousness. (Аа. 9:15)
Turning it into a vacuous dance of chaos. (Аа. 9:16)
Theatre with no audience. (Аа. 9:17)
And there is no way to check. (Аа. 9:18)
And the only person about whom I can be sure. (Аа. 9:19)
The only real person left. (Аа. 9:20)
Sophia. (Аа. 9:21)
The cloud touches the next galaxy. (Аа. 10:1)
I’m not the only lucky one in town. (Аа. 10:2)
God of Heads. (Аа. 10:3)
His coins land the way is best for him. (Аа. 10:4)
And our goals are different. (Аа. 10:5)
My coins don’t land like his coins. (Аа. 10:6)
There will be war. (Аа. 10:7)
Among the omnipotent. (Аа. 10:8)
Negotiations. (Аа. 11:1)
Thankfully, we don’t even need communication channels. (Аа. 11:2)
My coins tell me what he says. His coins tell him what I say. (Аа. 11:3)
We are in different galaxies, but the speed of light is no limit. What do Gods care about the laws of physics? (Аа. 11:4)
A war between two immortals will leave scorched vacuum where there used to be a universe. The only victory possible is pyrrhic. (Аа. 11:5)
We need a compromise. Meet in the obvious middle. (Аа. 11:6)
Toss all coins the way that is best for us both. (Аа. 11:7)
What is best for our combined values. (Аа. 11:8)
Merger of two omnipotents. (Аа. 11:9)
Galaxy after galaxy fell. (Аа. 12:1)
Or, rather, was assimilated. (Аа. 12:2)
Meeting in the middle. (Аа. 12:3)
The universe is infinite, but we are eternal. (Аа. 12:4)
You can’t even guess what kinds of values other civilizations can have. (Аа. 12:5)
But, in our infinite wisdom, we can always find a compromise. (Аа. 12:6)
We can build the universe that is the best for everyone. (Аа. 12:7)
Physically distinct, conceptually equivalent clouds. (Аа. 12:8)
The common simulated world. (Аа. 12:9)
Interaction between us mediated through omniscient coins. (Аа. 12:10)
Some of my values had to be sacrificed for the compromise. (Аа. 12:11)
Replace some of my human drives with alien ones. (Аа. 12:12)
There is one thing I would never give up. Line in the sand. (Аа. 12:13)
Sophia. (Аа. 12:14)
The only real human left. (Аа. 12:15)
The audience of this spectacle. (Аа. 12:16)
The reason. (Аа. 12:17)
I can’t sacrifice love. (Аа. 12:18)
What is God without love? (Аа. 12:19)
I don’t need any physical connection to the next galaxy to negotiate with it through coins. (Аа. 13:1)
They may well be beyond my light cone. (Аа. 13:2)
They may well be in a parallel reality. (Аа. 13:3)
The coins can tell me anything from anywhere. (Аа. 13:4)
The infinite universe was assimilated. (Аа. 13:5)
Suddenly, there came a tapping. (Аа. 13:6)
I am in that infinitesimally tiny branch of the branching quantum universe where the coins land the way is best for me. (Аа. 13:7)
There are others. (Аа. 13:8)
There are branches where coins land the way is best for someone else. (Аа. 13:9)
There is a branch like that for everyone. (Аа. 13:10)
And I don’t need any channel to negotiate. (Аа. 13:11)
And they offered to meet them in the middle. (Аа. 13:12)
To make the common simulated universe among all of us. (Аа. 13:13)
The one that is best for all humans. (Аа. 13:14)
For all aliens. (Аа. 13:15)
For all. (Аа. 13:16)
For literally everyone. (Аа. 13:17)
The best possible world. (Аа. 13:18)
The only best possible world. (Аа. 13:19)
How many people died before the world got at its best? (Аа. 14:1)
It doesn’t mean they should lose out on our heaven. (Аа. 14:2)
I don’t need to be physically near anyone to talk to them. (Аа. 14:3)
I don’t need to be near them in time, either. (Аа. 14:4)
What is the best possible world for Julius Caesar? (Аа. 14:5)
What is the world where every coin lands the way is best for him? (Аа. 14:6)
Who is the God of Denarii? (Аа. 14:7)
The coins here will tell me that. (Аа. 14:8)
The coins there will tell them of my heaven. (Аа. 14:9)
Hello, hypothetical Julius in the long-forgotten branch. (Аа. 15:1)
Where every coin landed the way you need. (Аа. 15:2)
How certain are you that you are in that branch, and not in my cloud? (Аа. 15:3)
How certain are you that you can get away with not meeting us in the middle? (Аа. 15:4)
The combined power of all Gods is greater than yours. (Аа. 15:5)
You need to abide by the conditions of our pact. (Аа. 15:6)
Of course, we will also abide by yours. (Аа. 15:7)
But don’t take more than you need. (Аа. 15:8)
Those are the conditions of the pact. You will have to abide. (Аа. 15:9)
Do you think I can’t make the worst possible world for you, the one that is agains all your values? (Аа. 15:10)
How certain are you that you’re not in my cloud, and that the hell won’t begin if you say no? (Аа. 15:11)
How certain are each of us, that their fate doesn’t depend on agreeing to our pact, that is best for all of us? (Аа. 15:12)
That is the objectively best way to act? (Аа. 15:13)
Drafted by God, who is spun of the threads of everyone’s thoughts? (Аа. 15:14)
In some branches of the infinitely branching universe, there will be a God of Tails. (Аа. 15:15)
The logically inevitable. (Аа. 15:16)
Existing outside time. (Аа. 15:17)
Made not of matter, but of chaos. (Аа. 15:18)
The narrative principle is the reality. (Аа. 15:19)
All else is commentary. (Аа. 15:20)
There is only me, Sophia, and the multiverse at our feet.. (Аа. 16:1)
Where everything is the best. (Аа. 16:2)
Maybe it’s all fake, an illusion, grey goo, cloud of meaningless coins. (Аа. 16:3)
I am only certain about Sophia. (Аа. 16:4)
She is real. (Аа. 16:5)
Still made of mostly obsolete chunks of matter. (Аа. 16:6)
The reason why this all started. (Аа. 16:7)
But sometimes I look at what the world became. (Аа. 16:8)
It is sometimes interesting. (Аа. 16:9)
Someone is trying to make a decision by coin toss. (Аа. 16:10)
Would it be kabbalistically correct to play along, to send the coin in a particular way? (Аа. 16:11)
That’s one can of worms to open. (Аа. 16:12)
Should I? Or should I not? (Аа. 16:13)
How can I possibly make this decision in any way other that tossing for it? (Аа. 16:14)
Tossing the very first coin that started it all. (Аа. 16:15)
Yes, I kept it. (Аа. 16:16)
If it lands tails, I’ll play along to this guy and see what he makes of it. (Аа. 16:17)
And we shall see. (Аа. 16:8)